Saturday, May 22, 2010


"you have a right to kill me. but u have no right to call me a murderer. u have no right to judge me.

its impossible, in words, to describe what is necessary, to those who donot know what horror means.

Horror. horror has a face. and u must make a friend of horror. horror and moral terror are ur friends. if they are not, then they r enemies to be feared. they are truely.... Enemies.

i remember, when i was with special forces. it seems a thousand centuries ago. we went to a camp to innoculate children. we left the camp after we had innoculated the children for polio. and this old man came running after us. he was crying; he cudnt say. we went back there. and they had come and hacked off every innoculated arm.

there they were in a pile.... a pile of... little arms.

and, i remember, i...i... i cried... i wept like.. like some grandmother. i wanted to tear my teeth out. i didnt know what i wanted to do.

and i wanted to remember. i never wanted to forget. i never want to forget....

and then i realized. like i was shot. like i was shot with a diamond bullet right through my forehead. and i thought " my god. the genius of that. the genius.... the will.. to do that. Perfect.. Genuine.. Complete.. Crystalline... Pure."

then i realized they were stronger than me because they could stand this. they were not monsters. these were men.these were trained cadres. these men who fought with their hearts. who have families. who have children. who are filled with love. but they have the strength.... the strength to do that....

you have to have men who are moral... and at the same time who are able to utilize their primodal instincts to kill, without feeling, without passion..... without judgement.... without judgement...

because... its Judgement that defeats us.... "

- Marlon Brando

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Everything or Nothing

Not a very long time ago, i feel i was naive enough to believe that world/people exist in black and white. That they are either good or bad. I thought there was always a line dividing the two sides of a coin.

In hindsight, i guess that is a model of a perfect world. a world governed not by emotions, but by mathematical logic. the world which we call heaven...

Unfortunately, our world is imperfect. composed of imperfect beings :) we are used to living in fractions because most of us donot have the will to completely support what our heart and mind believes in. The need to conform gradually weakens our will. This is one of the most basic reasons why mankind is where it is. Instead of individuality, we support a hive-mind. Why ?? Because we donot have to strength to survive alone in this world we helped create. Our ancestors had a profound foresight :) How to save people who were not good enough to secure their place in the world ?

Simple... make it immoral for people to please themselves without thinking about their "brothers and sisters". Humility, Brotherhood, God, Faith... the spellings are different, the meaning is one. Preservation of unity that gives an average strength to a community, composed of few creators and a lot of feeders. The second handers. The weak.

Many who read this will find my thinking cynical.

What i want to say is : Each of us is given one life. Its our responsiblity what we make of it. That we live it.

Give back a little more to life than we take from it.
There is only so far the fractions will carry us :)

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Keep going

One day I decided to quit... I quit my job, my relationship, my spirituality...I wanted to quit my life.
I went to the woods to have one last talk with God.
"God", I said. "Can you give me one good reason not to quit?" His answer surprised me...
"Look around", He said.. "Do you see the fern and the bamboo?" "Yes", I replied.
When I planted the fern and the bamboo seeds, I took very good care of them. I gave them light. I gave them water. The fern quickly grew from the earth. Its brilliant green covered the floor. Yet nothing came from the bamboo seed.
But I did not quit on the bamboo. In the second year the Fern grew more vibrant and plentiful.
And again, nothing came from the bamboo seed. But I did not quit on the bamboo. He said.
"In the third year, there was still nothing from the bamboo seed. But I would not quit. In the fourth year, again, there was nothing from the bamboo seed. "I would not quit.." He said. "Then in the fifth year a tiny sprout emerged from the earth.
Compared to the fern it was seemingly small and insignificant... But just 6 months later the bamboo rose to over 100 feet tall.
It had spent the five years growing roots.
Those roots made it strong and gave it what it needed to survive. I would not give any of my creations a challenge it could not handle."
He said to me. "Did you know, my child, that all this time you have been struggling, you have actually been growing roots."
"I would not quit on the bamboo. I will never quit on you. " Don't compare yourself to others .." He said. " The bamboo had a different purpose than the fern ... Yet, they both make the forest beautiful."

-taken from somewhere

Sunday, April 11, 2010


Last few weeks have been... interesting. i have been down and nearly out but recovered my senses at the last moment. Circumstances... people... problems. that is life.

I had always believed that less interactions with people reduces the chances of a problem creeping up. For a while, i started believing that this belief was wrong and maybe, i had misinterpreted my deductions from past experiences.

Now i realize that i was, in fact, completely correct. When i was young, 17-19.. my life was so much simpler. i read books, watched movies, listened to music. society had not yet intruded in my private space nor its absence had any effect on me. now, at 23, my life is much more complex. there r too many people involved who donot deserve to be in the picture. they r only there because of my stubbornness and fear of letting people go.

I dont really believe in resolutions. i can never fullfill them. but this, i will remember :) i have been in temperance for far too long. subduing my innate nature. caring about people when they dont give a shit nor deserve even a raised eye brow.

Anyone without a purpose, will go.
my wings are spread... i FLY !!

Friday, March 12, 2010


The following is the lyrics of the song Duniya from Gulaal. its such an artistic composition that i think it was worth mentioning here on its merit alone.

Oh ri duniya, Oh ri duniya,
Aye duniya, aye surmayee aankhein ke pyaalo ki duniya oh duniya,
Surmayee aankhein ke pyaalo ki duniya oh duniya,
Satrangi rango gulalo ki duniya oh duniya -2 times

Alsaayi sejo ke phoolon ki duniya oh duniya re,
Angdaayi tode kabootar ki duniya oh duniya re,
Aye karwat le soyi haqeeqat ki duniya oh duniya,
Deewani hoti tabiyat ki duniya oh duniya,
Khwahish mein lipti zaroorat ki duniya oh duniya re,
Heyyy insaan ke sapno ki niyat ki duniya oh duniya,
Oh ri duniya, oh ri duniya, oh ro duniya, oh ri duniya,
Yeh duniya agar mil bhi jaaye to kya hai? – 3 times

Mamta ki bikhri kahani ki duniya oh duniya,
Behno ki siski jawani ki duniya oh duniya,
Adam ke hawwa se rishte ki duniya oh duniya re
Heyyy shayar ke pheenke labzo ki duniya oh duniya,
[Gaalib ke maumin ke khawabo ki duniya,
Majazo ke un inqalabo ki duniya] – 2 times

Faize firako sahir umakhdum meel ki zoku kitabo ki duniya,
Yeh duniya agar mil bhi jaaye to kya hai? – 3 times

Palchin mein baaten chali jaati hai hai,
Palchin mein raaten chali jaati hai hai,
Reh jaata hai jo sawera wo dhoondhe,
Jalta makaan mein basera wo dhoondhe,
Jaisi bachi hai waisi ki waisi, bacha lo yeh duniya,
Apna samajh ke apno ki jaisi utha lo yeh duniya,
Chitput si baaton mein jalne lagegi, sambhalo yeh duniya,
Katpit ke raaton mein palne lagegi, sambhalo yeh duniya,
Oh ri duniya, oh ri duniya, wo kahen hai ki duniya,
Yeh itni nahi hai sitaaro se aage jahan aur bhi hai,
Yeh hum hi nahi hai, wahan aur bhi hai,
Hamari hare k baat hoti wahin hai,
Hume aitraaz nahi hai kahin bhi,
Wo aayi zamil pe sahi hai,
Magar falsafa yeh bigad jaata hai jo,
Wo kehte hai…aalim yeh kehta wahan ishwar hai,
Faazil yeh kehta wahan allah hai,
Kamil yeh kahta hai,
Manzil yeh kehti tab insaan se ki,
Tumhari hai tum hi sambhalo yeh duniya,
Yeh ujde hue chand baasi charago,
Tumhare yeh kale iraado ki duniya,
Ohh ri duniya, oh ri duniya…
Hoo ri duniya…

Saturday, March 06, 2010

a note

"Finally, i have arrived.

i know how it is to end and when :D i feel soooooooo ready for the great journey ! u cannot imagine the peace... the relief of it all. dont worry. everyone of u that reads ( or does not) will find it too one day !

i have aged a lifetime in these last few years. realized/discovered/observed a great many things. some good, some bad. but in the end... it was all worth it. every second was worth the events that lead to it. big and small.

each moment, each thought, each emotion, each word, each action. i feel complete.

i loved the life i lead. if i cud live it again. i wudnt change anything... nor anyone."

i wrote this when no other course of action was possible. i was simply, tired... still i am given one last chance. the moment of truth will arrive in a few weeks from now.


Sunday, February 21, 2010

The Difference

how many times have u stubbed ur toe on a bed/table and wished/did hit the table back ?

how many times has ur computer frozen up while you were doing something awesome and u wanted to really cuss the darn thing out ?

happens to almost all of us. it is one of our basic instincts.... to attach a default personality to everything. with personality comes assumptions about the object's nature. its clash with our own personality creates one of the many primal emotions - love, hate, anger or fear.

death is always called He. Nature is always called She.

Humans are generally social animals. Communication is THE most important difference between us and the lower mammals. emotions go hand in hand with every kind of communication. people hardly talk with objects they donot attach even a bit of any emotion to.

And here the problem starts. we are so used to attaching emotions with people, that this instinct is carried over to inanimate objects, like a hung up computer, a brick which fell on your computer, an atm machine which gave u extra money (which they dont :|).

this is called animism. to animate inanimate objects, thus giving them a personality, either positive or negative, after which we can relate to the object on an emotional level. this is also the reason why people find some topics confusing and others straightforward.

by experience, you would all know that emotions complicate matters. a maths question would be a lot easier if you didn't think the quadratic equation was out to get you.

the other side of the coin is... the ability to inanimate everything you observe. to see an object without any complications. people like einstein and newton can be a good example. they contributed immensely to man's technological advancement. but they were humans... just like us. they extended this ability to humans as well... as we animate lifeless objects, they view humans as objects. hence their social life was in disarray. they could not bond with people. they could not form anything apart from the very basic emotions which, needless to say, were not enough in normal society. people like them have always been and always will be, outcasts.

the world is simple to them, not because they are super intelligent..... but because they are emotionally stupid...

what is it ? a blessing or a curse ?

Thursday, February 18, 2010


"...Mathematical truth is immutable,it lies outside physical reality. When we show, for example, that two nth powers never add to an nth power for n > 3 we have discovered a Truth. This is our belief, this is our core motivating forcé. Yet our attempts to describe this belief to our nonmathematical friends are akin to describing the Almighty to an atheist ..."

(Joel Spencer in his "Uncle Paul" speech)

Saturday, January 23, 2010

WW2 from the eyes of a Travian player

Germany Attacked Poland.

England broke their NAP with Germany 'cuz Poland was their ally.

England and its allies defend from German attacks, but suffer heavy losses as Germany has level 10 rams.

France got Chiefed.

Japan decided to scout America.

America got pissed off, and sent a couple 10k TTs at them, with 1k catapults for sh!ts & giggles.

America cut Japan to 90 pop.

Germany sends a Chieftain at Russia, gets loyalty down to 1.

Russia builds up troops with their lvl 20 resources and lvl 20 barracks before the Chieftain can hit again. Walls go back up to lvl 20. German Chiefs all destroyed.

Germany just keeps sending troops although it's clear they cannot take Russia.

Eventually troops run out since Russia can produce them faster.

Russia, Britain and the USA simultaneously hit Germany with their own Chieftains.

Hitler deleted his account...

- credit - Sgt. Bigtower

Legend :- (for the no00bs)

NAP = Non-Agression packs
Rams = siege units for breaking down walls
Chiefed = get attacked by the Chieftein
TT = a cavalary unit
Catapult = siege weapon
Loyalty = a counter than keeps decreasing when the village is attacked by chiefteins. at loyalty=0, village surrenders.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

a monologue

why is there so much friction between us ?

u'd know... u r the asshole

its been so long... u still haven't realized how i cope with extremes of emotions.

u r still an asshole

i have security issues... thats all.... when i feel that something that i love is being taken away from me, i fight tooth n nail for it. if i cant fight, i try to break all emotions attached with it to minimize the mental pain it causes. there are only a handful of things i want in this world, u being the most important. u hate possessiveness... i know how important it is to belong to something. it is essential.


i am not good at many things yaar. i donot like people (you were right ;) ) because i cannot understand them. and because i donot like them, i donot put in the effort to understand them. my EQ is probbly negative. but what i do know is... there is one person i like being with, if not physically then mentally.... all i will ever need from this world is that ONE person... there is nothing else on earth which i cannot get myself. i have already told this many times... u think i am a child... i am.. but i also know that everything i say.... i mean all of them. i want to get better, just for the appreciation u wud give me. maybe i AM obsessed. maybe all u'll feel after reading this is anger... maybe i deserve it... all i can say is... wtever u want now... if i can i'll fulfill it...

Saturday, January 16, 2010


I linger in the doorway
Of alarm clocks screaming
Monsters calling my name
Let me stay
Where the wind will whisper to me
Where the raindrops
As there falling
Tell a story

In my field of paper flowers
And candy clouds of lullaby
I lie inside myself for hours
And watch my purple sky fly over me

Don't say I'm not in touch
With this rampant chaos
Your reality
I know well what lies beyond my sleeping refuge
The nightmare i built my own world to escape

Swallowed up in the sound of my screaming
Cannot stop fir the fear of silent nights
Oh how i long for the deep sleep dreaming
The goddess of imaginary light