Friday, December 30, 2011


Death and I, we have a history together.

There are days when my Grandfather's memories stir. He was a pillar of strength, silent fortitude... of truth and righteousness even when he faced the worst humanity had to offer. And I struggled to disappoint him at every turn of my life. Just out of spite for people whose expectations were always growing with everything I achieved.
Instead of a mother and a father, I had him, the best of both. And I did not realize his importance until he was taken. Its ironical; now that he is gone, I am wracked with guilt everytime I remember why I failed him. Hatred for people is never greater than the love for one person; if only I had realized this in time.

There are days when I remember that I was only 45 minutes away from where he lay dying. Without me. And I could not get there in time. Took me years to realize, that day I did not fail him. I failed myself. And I would live with that guilt for the rest of my life.

We will meet soon Papa. I hope it would not be meaningless to apologize then.

Saturday, December 24, 2011

As our lips touched, as the warmth of her breath drove away the cold, i realized the words were finally here.
But the moment rendered those words redundant. As we looked in eachother's eyes..... she smiled and said, "i know" :)

When you are in love you can't fall asleep because reality is better than your dreams. ~ Dr. Seuss

Friday, December 23, 2011


"We should not deal with life, death and judgement. Many who live, deserve death. Many who died, deserved life. Can we give life back ? Not even the wisest of us can foresee what fate has in store for us.
What we can, and should, deal in, is pity."

Few months ago, I would have slapped anyone who said this to me.

Wednesday, November 09, 2011

Battlecry !!

Probability is replaced by inevitability when you cross the threshold of what is considered humanly accomplishable. Don't be just a man; become a force of nature. Perfect. Genuine. Complete. Crystalline. Pure.

Raise yourself above the lusts.

Wake up.

Sunday, October 02, 2011

Tranced !!

Thursday, September 29, 2011

जब मैं डूबा तो समंदर को भी हैरत हुई बहुत! बड़ा ही अजीब शक्स है किसी को पुकारता ही नहीं..!!

~picked up

Sunday, September 25, 2011


The last few weeks have been illuminating. I have found out how power corrupts people; including me.

At work I have been brilliant : at my tasks which should have been enough for any normal person; but also at undermining others' abilities... very VERY subtly. So smoothly, that it feels sometimes i am doing it sub-consciously. Almost like a second skin. No body understands it around me. To them I am just this trouble-shooter.

But beneath a friendly exterior which smiles and pleases everyone with quick witty comments, there lies a cold interior, laced with contempt for people of lesser ability.

And if one might dig deeper, there runs a line of weakness. A fear of failure.

This weakness counters all the ethics i THINK i believe in. In fact, I am 99% sure i do. But then when i judge my actions at the end everyday, I feel i break them ever so calmly, so carefully that no one realizes what I did. Not even me until i think over it.

On a sub-conscious level, I have played life as a game without rules where winning is everything. I have always had what I wanted, maybe not when I wanted it, but i got it. And i did everything i could do to get it. But earlier they were harmless things. A boy's needs are only so much.

Now, on the other hand, I risk hurting people badly. I can scar people for life and not give it a second thought to achieve my goals. I perceive myself as a threat to people around me.

Is it my fault ? That society has made this a rat-eat-rat race ?

Or am i justified in making a stair made up of corpses to the top ?

Seems pretty sad, that even with so many friends I have no one to talk about this. I suppose this the price I must pay for my devilry.

If only life were simpler.

Thursday, August 25, 2011

a song i have been constantly listening to. wish someone would provide me with exact hindi/english translations.

End of the tunnel ?

Its raining.
I am watching the smoke rings getting drenched by the drops..

Long long time since i wrote anything. Guess i do not feel the need now.
Finally, I am enjoying life :)
Everything is going good. I am loving the work I do. To create something from scratch and then watching it work while people watch in awe... that is something worth every ounce of effort. Probably more :D

On the personal front, corporate world has made me realize i am not such a bad manager of people i thought i was.
I have met sooo many new people. Mostly good, i thank my stars for that :-P

The world suddenly looks bright.

Sunday, May 29, 2011

Forge of souls..

There are times when you are faced with superhuman decisions. Which defy logic. But you do it because you know it is the right thing to do. And you do it alone.

I have done it a few times in my life. I do not know whether what i chose was right or wrong.

Very recently, i was faced with one such decision. It involved someone who has, in the last few years, become quite close to me. Closest, in fact. What i did must have hurt that person, though not much, i hope. But that someone fails to realize that what the decision took from me was exponentially more that what he could have ever imagined; simply because it was my choice to make.

It is infinitely hard to remain in a prison of which you yourself have the key.

Still, to expect such understanding from someone so selfish, someone who could demand everything from me and give nothing back, is foolishness itself.

We all change; but only some of us change for the better. I hope we both learn from what transpired.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Gaahe Tav Jayagaatha

Recently I went to watch this movie in Big Cinemas and I happened to hear the National Anthem. While listening to it, I suddenly realized that how long had it been since I heard this. And so much had changed.

I have grown a lot between that time and now. More importantly, I had forgotten my first true love. In the race to better myself and filled with pride with each success, I had forgotten the sense of pride that comes when you truly understand the meaning of belonging to a nation.

That song brought back memories of a distant life, one untainted by maturity. Getting up early in the morning, taking a bath. Getting ready for singing the National Anthem on 26th January with my Grandfather. One of the earliest things he taught me was the full anthem and its meaning. I loved to hear him sing it. He had such an amazing voice. I will never know whether I liked the anthem because he sang it, or whether I liked his singing because he sang the anthem. I wish I could have those 2 minutes back.

There are few things in life a person should never have to endure.

Sunday, January 30, 2011


I do not believe in fate. Never have. Never will.

We are all sculptures; the chips just fall away with every moment that passes, making us clearer in our eyes and others. Our loves, our hates, our decisions.

Its been months since i wrote anything. Maybe because my head was empty ( as someone pointed out recently). The fact is, I had nothing to write about. I am a 20 something boring guy who goes to work, comes back, eats, sleeps and cycle repeats itself the next day/week/month. There is nothing to write about.

And then there is this another cycle I want to put on record here. Just because I am feeling this unbiased, unemotional clarity ( which IF I were ever able to simulate in the way I interact with people, I would be MUCH MUCH better off).

A cat lives around the place where I live. I have known it for like 6 years. Its a cute little cat. Innocent, foolhardy, careless, forthright, diplomatic, lovable, intense, weak but has the potential for the strength of will power that can make any cat-lover proud.

Now this cat has been visiting me since 6 long years. I imagine it talks to me, and I reply back. It never asks for anything. It shares stuff with me. I share stuff with it. And it goes on. I have seen it go through highs and low. I have done my bit to help it whenever it needed my help. This can go on without any conclusion or any harm for either of us.

But bull-headed that I am, anything without a conclusion or an aim instantly shows me the effort and time wasted on it that could have been used for something better. Its the main reason I have nearly no friends at all. Of those friends, only a small fraction of the people actually know me at all. To others I am as they want me to look like (its a handy ability, to sense what others want and then morph yourself into one that suits someone. You have no idea how gullible people are). There are very very few people with whom I dont indulge in this tom-foolery. The cat is one them.

Back to the cat. I periodically analyze my relationship with it. And every time i do so, something inside me tells me to close the door to the cat the next time it comes to visit. I have done (or tried anyway -.-") it. But every SINGLE time something or the other happens that I just need to be there for the cat. Not as a favor to it, but as a favor to me. You see, I can stand nothing in the world hurting the poor thing. Just knowing that I am there to atleast hear it out and help it see something clearly makes my day a little colorful.

And so, I am stuck, with a feeling that transcends all logic ( I am a programmer. My daily bread comes through logic :S ). I know that someday the cat will go away and all this time will be a complete waste and that it will be the only thing i will regret in life. I know how it will play out and what a sense of loss I will have to endure in the time to come.

Do I need to learn how to live in the moment ? But isnt it a pessimist phrase ? To live in the moment ? Automatically assuming what we do today will not have a bearing on tomorrow ?

Or do I need to get stronger ?