Sunday, January 30, 2011


I do not believe in fate. Never have. Never will.

We are all sculptures; the chips just fall away with every moment that passes, making us clearer in our eyes and others. Our loves, our hates, our decisions.

Its been months since i wrote anything. Maybe because my head was empty ( as someone pointed out recently). The fact is, I had nothing to write about. I am a 20 something boring guy who goes to work, comes back, eats, sleeps and cycle repeats itself the next day/week/month. There is nothing to write about.

And then there is this another cycle I want to put on record here. Just because I am feeling this unbiased, unemotional clarity ( which IF I were ever able to simulate in the way I interact with people, I would be MUCH MUCH better off).

A cat lives around the place where I live. I have known it for like 6 years. Its a cute little cat. Innocent, foolhardy, careless, forthright, diplomatic, lovable, intense, weak but has the potential for the strength of will power that can make any cat-lover proud.

Now this cat has been visiting me since 6 long years. I imagine it talks to me, and I reply back. It never asks for anything. It shares stuff with me. I share stuff with it. And it goes on. I have seen it go through highs and low. I have done my bit to help it whenever it needed my help. This can go on without any conclusion or any harm for either of us.

But bull-headed that I am, anything without a conclusion or an aim instantly shows me the effort and time wasted on it that could have been used for something better. Its the main reason I have nearly no friends at all. Of those friends, only a small fraction of the people actually know me at all. To others I am as they want me to look like (its a handy ability, to sense what others want and then morph yourself into one that suits someone. You have no idea how gullible people are). There are very very few people with whom I dont indulge in this tom-foolery. The cat is one them.

Back to the cat. I periodically analyze my relationship with it. And every time i do so, something inside me tells me to close the door to the cat the next time it comes to visit. I have done (or tried anyway -.-") it. But every SINGLE time something or the other happens that I just need to be there for the cat. Not as a favor to it, but as a favor to me. You see, I can stand nothing in the world hurting the poor thing. Just knowing that I am there to atleast hear it out and help it see something clearly makes my day a little colorful.

And so, I am stuck, with a feeling that transcends all logic ( I am a programmer. My daily bread comes through logic :S ). I know that someday the cat will go away and all this time will be a complete waste and that it will be the only thing i will regret in life. I know how it will play out and what a sense of loss I will have to endure in the time to come.

Do I need to learn how to live in the moment ? But isnt it a pessimist phrase ? To live in the moment ? Automatically assuming what we do today will not have a bearing on tomorrow ?

Or do I need to get stronger ?