Tuesday, December 09, 2008

anger, frustration, jealousy..... utter hatred...

i have been stupid in all my time with her. the moment which came yesterday, i had feared for almost everyday i spent with her. and now when the moment is upon me, i just refuse to accept it.... i just wish it weren't true.... i just wish i'd fall asleep and never ever wake up. maybe i'll do that..

i still dont understand my attraction towards her... its a passion... a want without any logic attached to it... why ? i ask myself...why her ? and why so much ?

and suddenly it all becomes so clear to me. a dozen of people interact with her and no one sees what she really is... all the good in her. i manage to see it.... and it makes me feel good about myself...

i guess i really do love her.... she makes me want to be a better man...

Monday, November 17, 2008

the unending life... the single-dimentionality of everything. the world has evolved around in such a complex way is just to make it more interesting so that life can continue evolving trying to understand it.

we consider ourselves at the top of the food chain ? but we r certainly at the last node of morality chain. the morality which disintegrates into two halves, pure and tainted, with pure being killed by the tainted so as to evolve further. the number of pure species decreases geometrically with each evolution cycle. the number of tainted species keeps on increasing at the same rate as well. a day comes when there is no pure species left.

the tainted then fight. after millions of years of struggle, the most tainted one survives and then gives rise to a species even worse than the present, more violent and amoral.

to evolve is to willingly degenerate the basic simplicity of life.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

finally release.... in this very moment...

Saturday, November 01, 2008

Make for yourself a definition or description of the thing which is presented to you, so as to see distinctly what kind of a thing it is in its substance, in its nudity, in its complete entirety, and tell yourself its proper name, and the names of the things of which it has been compounded, and into which it will be resolved. For nothing is so productive of elevation of mind as to be able to examine methodically and truly every object which is presented to you in life, and always to look at things so as to see at the same time what kind of universe this is, and what kind of use everything performs in it, and what value everything has with reference to the whole.

The universe itself is god and the universal outpouring of its soul; it is this same world's guiding principle, operating in mind and reason, together with the common nature of things and the totality which embraces all existence in which everything is contained.

Constantly regard the universe as one living being, having one substance and one soul; and observe how all things have reference to one perception, the perception of this one living being; and how all things act with one movement; and how all things are the cooperating causes of all things which exist; observe too the continuous spinning of the thread and the structure of the web.

Reason means not only using logic, but also understanding the processes of nature — the logos , or universal reason, inherent in all things. Living according to reason and virtue, they held, is to live in harmony with the divine order of the universe, in recognition of the common reason and essential value of all people. The four cardinal virtues of this philosophy are Wisdom, Courage, Justice and Temperance. If someone is unkind, it is because they are unaware of their own universal reason. Likewise, if they are unhappy, it is because they have forgotten how nature actually functions.

Apathy frees us from suffering...

Friday, October 31, 2008

In fieri...

kindness, tolerance, brotherhood,love : a ruthless realism acknowledging that life is as it is... here on earth,here and now... the kingdom of God meaning : goodness is right here... or it should be.... " i am that i am becoming"

that is what the Buddha brought us... that is the basis of a pure religion...

heaven and hell were just terrors allowing men to rule their brothers through fear and seduction... saving our souls that we never lost in the first place :)

i see rituals, ceremonies, processions.... i wonder if this is what the prime mover had in mind.... why does a simple path to goodness needs a supernatural willpower today ?

Monday, October 13, 2008

when we dance...

"it shows me your true nature
my ambitious expectations which have clouded my judgment
the fool's game we are playing

one because it is bored, the other because it is too immature to know what is really going on

is it really THAT simple ?? a purloined dagger ?

it wants SO little that it confuses nothing with very less... and gives its all to the one who decieves it...

what a funny.funny world we live in ?!

just like a reel life.... the future of every fall seems the beginning of a rise; atleast not for everyone. some just keep falling...

it is falling
down and down
expecting a hand, a straw even

love turns most easily to hatred....
(un)righteous loathing flows, without reasoning..... just a primal emotion of wanting to hit back

wanting to peel off the only face it likes the most
killing an emotion in the moment he likes it the most, so that it has no chance of mutation by reality.

there are so many times these barren eyes have tried to cry but they have always been failed by their greatest ally

we are not one... we are not even real to eachother...

how many dreams shatter at that instant... the immaturity visible yet again

a warped vision maintained by the mind so that it is numb to the painful facts, not feeling the real wounds...

we live alone,we die alone
the need for emotional/physical sense of security is a limiting force to our own courage.... our very own ability to accomplish the unimaginable

please someone release it from its misery..... someone please execute him

why did i see it ? can i not keep living in my own little world ? why give the means if u dont want me to achieve..... why do u constantly try to break me ? 2 decades of sadism is not enough ?? 2 decades.... a 3rd of life... worth not even shit, filled with pain and (self-)deception

they are not one in his eyes anymore......

i need to know the true nature of the hate i feel in my veins

i pray that you see the actual actors before it is too late..

is it destroying a beautiful thing you love the most so that it does not wither; or is it sacrificing one's life for something that is worth living for....

the apparent lie,if true, will kill me even when i have finally found what i always wanted.... the apparent truth, if a lie, grants me life without any feelings or emotions...

free my mind... please i beg of you.."

Sunday, October 12, 2008


i am no more
as my mind realizes its shallowness i see that i ceased to exist a long time ago
the void has hollowed my being, a shell is all that remains
there is no truth, nor deception anymore..
there is nothing.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

"i KNOW ! in this moment i see it.... see what it is... what it eats away... how it kills, extending the agony to an entire lifetime.

a contortion of psyche so great, it robs the mind of the ability to form rational thought. a self-destructing mind on a timer

just how many of us know how much time one has ?

our whole life is lived on hope, not knowledge

people say they want to know themselves.... it isnt such a good idea. u never know what you may find...

even now pathetic attempts to distract attention...

the grand finale..... :P

mein gott !!!

un-seemingly related lines of thoughts do proceed along a logical path of indefinite length.

the light is always at the end of tunnel..

dont forget what you came for,sir. dont forget...

truth is a weapon... to give it to everyone is stupid... make it cryptic and then only the worthy have the key...

dry throat is the way to nirvnana... the one who knows himself... if only for few hours...

ahh yes a virus at work..

the desire gives rise to endless small days and long nights

vacuum tries to suck everything in it..

greed is a bane, there can be two birds in the bush, but then again, so can be the horse...

'Forces that shape our lives, events that defy explanation. Individuals whose lives soar to the heavens or fall to the earth. This is how legends are born.' - Death Rider

'Everything that has a beginning , has an end' -Matrix "

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

one day you will catch yourself wishing that the person you loved most had never existed, so you'd be spared your pain....

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

" unimaginable life, i see before you young padawan.... truely lost or truely great you are"
So, so you think you can tell Heaven from Hell,
blue skies from pain.
Can you tell a green field from a cold steel rail?
A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?
And did they get you to trade your heroes for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees?
Hot air for a cool breeze?
Cold comfort for change?
And did you exchange a walk on part in the war for a lead role in a cage?
How I wish, how I wish you were here.
We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year,
Running over the same old ground.
What have you found? The same old fears.
Wish you were here.

- Wish You were here (Pink Floyd)

Saturday, September 13, 2008

Friedman defines ten "flatteners" that he sees as leveling the global playing field:

  • #1: Collapse of Berlin Wall--11/'89: The event not only symbolized the end of the Cold war, it allowed people from other side of the wall to join the economic mainstream. (11/09/1989)
  • #2: Netscape: Netscape and the Web broadened the audience for the Internet from its roots as a communications medium used primarily by 'early adopters and geeks' to something that made the Internet accessible to everyone from five-year-olds to ninety-five-year olds. (8/9/1995). The digitization that took place meant that everyday occurrences such as words, files, films, music and pictures could be accessed and manipulated on a computer screen by all people across the world.
  • #3: Workflow software: The ability of machines to talk to other machines with no humans involved. Friedman believes these first three forces have become a “crude foundation of a whole new global platform for collaboration.”
  • #4: Open sourcing: Communities uploading and collaborating on online projects. Examples include open source software, blogs, and Wikipedia. Friedman considers the phenomenon "the most disruptive force of all."
  • #5: Outsourcing: Friedman argues that outsourcing has allowed companies to split service and manufacturing activities into components which can be subcontracted and performed in the most efficient, cost-effective way.
  • #6: Offshoring: The internal relocation of a company's manufacturing or other processes to a foreign land in order to take advantage of less costly operations there.
  • #7: Supply chaining: Friedman compares the modern retail supply chain to a river, and points to Wal-Mart as the best example of a company using technology to streamline item sales, distribution, and shipping.
  • #8: Insourcing: Friedman uses UPS as a prime example for insourcing, in which the company's employees perform services--beyond shipping--for another company. For example, UPS repairs Toshiba computers on behalf of Toshiba. The work is done at the UPS hub, by UPS employees.
  • #9: In-forming: Google and other search engines are the prime example. "Never before in the history of the planet have so many people-on their own-had the ability to find so much information about so many things and about so many other people", writes Friedman. The growth of search engines is tremendous; for example take Google, in which Friedman states that it is "now processing roughly one billion searches per day, up from 150 million just three years ago".
  • #10: "The Steroids": Personal digital devices like mobile phones, iPods, personal digital assistants, instant messaging, and voice over Internet Protocol (VoIP).

Thursday, September 11, 2008

i just talked to someone. i realized how cold i am when i talk to people...
cold, calculative
i know people and i manipulate them
to my gain

but, interestingly i dont want an item. i am not materialistic. i just want someone to give me somthing so that they feel good about themselves and then parasitically i gain his goodwill as well...

it makes me materialistic( indeed even a miser) in case of goodwill from people. i try to hoard them.
that is why i am always liked by almost everyone.

i do it because people feel superior to me then. that is where pity comes in and they automatically are biased in the favor of goodwill.

does it not make perfect sense ?

i try to please everyone. every known person has been assessed, his thinking already sensed and then i mould one of my images to fit his thinking in such a way that i either gain superiority or humbleness from that person. this method of mine makes me either superior to someone or in good terms with my superior automatically.

i am truely, a human virus..... :)
and i am also more honest for my own good...
and so more detached... that i dont want anything with my gift.... it must wasting away...just like me....
i m now so truely fucked that i cannot face the real world at all

i live in my own world in which i am a god.... i can direct my own reality
i donot believe facts now... facts to me are mere bad dreams.....hahahahahahaha

i may not seem like rambling but yes ! thats wt i m doing !!!!!!

rofl !

my life, as u will realize, is an ideally fucked ! :)

last ! but ...er.. not the least...
never lose hope ! it always pushes u to keep muddling on ur way ! muddling

Sunday, August 03, 2008

Bring the fables from thy tomb
Sporadic doom as knights loom
Does clergy support this passion?
Pure wrath of the winged assassin

Hour is late as kingdoms unfold
Signs in disarray, you fight in loath

Can this seal be broken?
Has our fate awoken?
Who's this antichrist?
Judgement waits on the test of time

Welcome to the thoughts of a coward's disband
Cuz now you're in the shadow of an angel's wingspan

Choose your cradle of filth
Discipline that I've instilled
Turn and face your sacrifice
As I revolve this lead of might

Immune to your parasite, except the hourglass that grains the time
Try to find the antidote, counting down towards the undertow

In my world where only time is feared, single handedly I draw your first tear
Sway strong to the truthful frequency, spirits swim in the wares of history

Tuesday, July 15, 2008


i cannot understand her. her responses are so mixed. most of the time i don't know if she even cares whether i exist or not. sometimes she is so caring.
what is our relationship ? if i knew that things would be so much simpler. i would know what to do so i dont end up feeling like an idiot always.

Friday, June 20, 2008


Some say love it is a river
that drowns the tender reed
Some say love it is a razer
that leaves your soul to bleed

Some say love it is a hunger
an endless aching need
I say love it is a flower
and you it's only seed

It's the heart afraid of breaking
That never learns to dance
It's the dream afraid of waking
That never takes the chance
It's the one who won't be taken
Who cannot seem to give
And the soul afraid of dying
That never learns to live

When the night has been too lonely
And the road has been too long
And you think that love is only
For the lucky and the strong
Just remember in the winter
Far beneath the bitter snows
Lies the seed
That with the sun's love
In the spring
Becomes the rose

The Rose - Don Williams

Monday, June 16, 2008

So far away....

Here I am again in this mean old town
And youre so far away from me
And where are you when the sun goes down
Youre so far away from me

Im tired of being in love and being all alone
When youre so far away from me
Im tired of making out on the telephone ( google talk for us )
And youre so far away from me

I get so tired when I have to explain
When youre so far away from me
See you been in the sun and Ive been in the rain
And youre so far away from me

So far away from me
So far I just cant see
So far away from me
Youre so far away from me

--- So Far Away ( Dire Straits )

Sunday, June 15, 2008

an evening to note...

the other day i was sitting in a park outside my house. there i saw a couple sitting on the bench. both were in their 80s. wrinkled skin... boney hands... unpararelled care for eachother. the way they talked and laughed, with no care in the world for anything other than them. it had me wondering.... at this age the expectations are minimal. when two people have been so long together, they come to know eachother completely. at this point of a relationship, there is only acceptance.
this is love in it purest form. i saw that they had integrated themselves into eachother in such a way that they had individuality and at the same time complimented eachother completely. a pity, i could find no ode to offer them.
i just smiled when our eyes met..... got up and walked away.... with envy in my heart.

i wonder if, years from now, some guy will look at us and think the same thing....

Friday, June 13, 2008


Captain Sarcasm possesed a philosophical mind from and early age. As he grew up, his views turned negative and he began to hone his trademark sarcastic edge. His sarcastic nature manifested into other personality traits: an anger management problem, completely rational mind, ability to see both sides of every arguement, dislike of social interactions, and weird sense of humor. He was the smartest kid in his years of education, but often had many spats with his teachers.

Sunday, April 20, 2008

everything comes down to the memories of you....

Nothing ever stops all these thoughts
and the pain attached to them
Sometimes I wonder why this is happenin'
It's like nothing I could do would distract me when
I think of how I shot myself in the back again
'Cause from the infinite words I could say I
Put all the pain you gave to me on display
But didn't realize
Instead of setting it free I
took what I hated and made it a part of me

Hearing your name
the memories come back again
I remember when it started happenin'
I'd see you in every thought I had
and then
my thoughts slowly found words attached to them
And I knew as they escaped away I was
committing myself to 'em
And every day
I regret saying those things
cause now I see
that I
took what I hated and made it a part of me.

And now
You've become a part of me
You'll always be right here
You've become a part of me
You'll always be my fear
I can't separate
Myself from what I've done
Giving up a part of me
I've let myself become you

-- Figure .09 (LP)

Monday, April 07, 2008

Soaks my skin - through to the bone
Pain is nothing that a downpour won't
Rain - you can't hold on to it
A treasure you cannot frame
- somehow I'm drawn to it
I feel engaged, one and the same
When heavens
dressing beads off my face
The pain is nothing that a downpour won't erase

- Delerium

Thursday, March 13, 2008

The flinch in your eye calls your bluff
Feel free to die when you’ve had enough
Useless cause is breaking your back
Your life will end when you attack

Make your move
Make your stand
Make the win
(ha..) Like you can

See the war
See me rule
See the mirror
You'll see a fool

To take me out you must fight like a man
You’ve yet to prove that you can
you've yet to prove me that you can
I see your might and it compares to something
That is if something is nothing

Time to figure
Time to sin
Your times done
When you begin

Live for suffer
Live for revenge
Now your life
Comes to an end

Taste the blood
Taste your fate
Swallow your pride
With your hate

Your last breathe
Your last stance
The last of all
In your command

Kneel in the blood with your crying pleas
Wade in your sorrow, bathe in your fear
Clear the mind from righteousness suffered
Witness the moment of your failures prosper

The flinch in your eye calls your bluff....

---Taste the blood ( Devil May Cry 3 OST )

Now you’ve really crossed the line
Your hate for me is divine
My love yearns for your suffer
On your grave lurks my prosper

Taunt more as a lure but its no use
Knots tight my excite
I prepare the noose
Say no more it’s time
For you to make your move
My blackened soul’s lit by your fuel
Implode your moral
And drains your pride
Too late for debate or run and hide
Time to take your life tolls the bell
To your hell I’d like to welcome you

Hail to a father of divine
To the son the light will shine
From the angst of lost memories
A just revenge to cure misery

- Divine Hate ( Devil May Cry 3 OST)

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

i thought i knew what pain is.... for the past 3 days i have been successful in reaching all new levels of pain....

Sunday, March 02, 2008

why does it have to this way ? why am i so cold ? how can i hurt a person in the most ruthlessly calculative way ? what made me like this ? why is forgivness so hard for me ? why has sorry become a useless word ? why ?

why can i not break the codes i live by ? are they so absolute ? does pity has no place in my soul ?

it feels as if i am cutting both my hands to please my principles :( how does a person choose between what he likes and all the rules he has set for himself ? this is not fair.....

to forget will be lying to myself and i will be unable to face myself ever for the rest of my life...

not to forget will be to slowly kill myself...

i feel my soul and mind being ripped apart....

it hurts so much... so much...

much MUCH more than it would ever hurt that person...

what do i do ? oh god what do i DO ?

i never wanted to be a stone...

Saturday, March 01, 2008

Friday, February 22, 2008

fuck it..

everyday i look into the mirror.... and see someone else staring back at me.

this is NOT what i was meant to be... or was i ?? smoking.... drinking... doping... this isnt me...
wtf am i trying to hide from ?? what do i constantly run from ? myself or the person who i have become ?
i cannot believe it has all come down to this.... how could i have fucked myself this way ??
why dont i have the will to become the best i can ?? this shudnt be happening....
THIS wasnt i had in mind when i took over my reins.... how can it all be going SO wrong ??

i know u r looking down at me.. and laughing... well matey... FUCK YOU... u know me... i aint going down yet brother... i'll live on my terms and not yours.... you keep bringing on the shit... we'll see who laughs last....

Friday, February 15, 2008

I held her close, I kissed her our last kiss
I found the love that I knew I would miss
But now she's gone, even though I hold her tight
I lost my love, my life that night.

Oh, where oh where can my baby be?

- Last Kiss ( Pearl Jam )

Monday, January 28, 2008

Some day you came
And I knew you were the one
You were the rain, you were the sun
But I needed both, cause I needed you
You were the one
I was dreaming of all my life
When it is dark you are my light

- Enigma

this emotion i feel, i cannot define it. its unlike anything i have felt before. its like.... everything is just right when i am with her...
she brings out the best in me...
men seek peace in god and heavens... is not real peace in the embrace of the woman u love ? isnt her every word a melody ? a song that needs not singing... just listening...
her one glance would mean a thousand words... the feel of her breath on my face is like a warm spring breeze... the silken touch of her hair... her smile making me skip a heart beat.... her lips....i'd give my whole life just to kiss them once....
she is the beauty in my life...
my strength when i am weak..
my pride when i feel low...
my link to life when i m dying...
the soul in my body...
my reason for striving to be the best....
the reality of my illusions...
the sole light in all the darkness around me...
my last breath will escape with her name...

she is the woman i had forever loved without knowing who it was... without the sight of her... even in her absence... i knew she was there... she had to be...
have i found her ? how i hope i have.... and how i hope she realizes that she is my flower...

Friday, January 04, 2008


"... to find the guilty, u need only look into a mirror."

we often blame others for the vile things happened and happening to us. i know it. i have done it. i have blamed everything that has happened to me in the last twenty years on my family, on the people around me, on god. everyone. it is so easier to blame someone else. so easier to run.
blame gives birth to anger. anger gives birth to hatred. i donot consider anger and hatred a sin..... there are people who ARE indecent. they donot have a shred of goodness inside. they should be shown no mercy.
some say forgiveness is a symbol of strength. yet i believe that forgiveness only allows a sin to go unpunished, and thus, to grow. a man is responsible for his actions. even if he feels in hindsight that he is wrong, he has committed that mistake. a mistake can never go unpunished. sparing the rod is the only mistake the society does.
A man should be strong enough to know that he is wrong. that his deeds cannot be undone by the useless act of forgivness.