The last few weeks have been illuminating. I have found out how power corrupts people; including me.
At work I have been brilliant : at my tasks which should have been enough for any normal person; but also at undermining others' abilities... very VERY subtly. So smoothly, that it feels sometimes i am doing it sub-consciously. Almost like a second skin. No body understands it around me. To them I am just this trouble-shooter.
But beneath a friendly exterior which smiles and pleases everyone with quick witty comments, there lies a cold interior, laced with contempt for people of lesser ability.
And if one might dig deeper, there runs a line of weakness. A fear of failure.
This weakness counters all the ethics i THINK i believe in. In fact, I am 99% sure i do. But then when i judge my actions at the end everyday, I feel i break them ever so calmly, so carefully that no one realizes what I did. Not even me until i think over it.
On a sub-conscious level, I have played life as a game without rules where winning is everything. I have always had what I wanted, maybe not when I wanted it, but i got it. And i did everything i could do to get it. But earlier they were harmless things. A boy's needs are only so much.
Now, on the other hand, I risk hurting people badly. I can scar people for life and not give it a second thought to achieve my goals. I perceive myself as a threat to people around me.
Is it my fault ? That society has made this a rat-eat-rat race ?
Or am i justified in making a stair made up of corpses to the top ?
Seems pretty sad, that even with so many friends I have no one to talk about this. I suppose this the price I must pay for my devilry.
If only life were simpler.