Gaahe Tav Jayagaatha

Recently I went to watch this movie in Big Cinemas and I happened to hear the National Anthem. While listening to it, I suddenly realized that how long had it been since I heard this. And so much had changed.

I have grown a lot between that time and now. More importantly, I had forgotten my first true love. In the race to better myself and filled with pride with each success, I had forgotten the sense of pride that comes when you truly understand the meaning of belonging to a nation.

That song brought back memories of a distant life, one untainted by maturity. Getting up early in the morning, taking a bath. Getting ready for singing the National Anthem on 26th January with my Grandfather. One of the earliest things he taught me was the full anthem and its meaning. I loved to hear him sing it. He had such an amazing voice. I will never know whether I liked the anthem because he sang it, or whether I liked his singing because he sang the anthem. I wish I could have those 2 minutes back.

There are few things in life a person should never have to endure.

Hindsight

I do not believe in fate. Never have. Never will.

We are all sculptures; the chips just fall away with every moment that passes, making us clearer in our eyes and others. Our loves, our hates, our decisions.

Its been months since i wrote anything. Maybe because my head was empty ( as someone pointed out recently). The fact is, I had nothing to write about. I am a 20 something boring guy who goes to work, comes back, eats, sleeps and cycle repeats itself the next day/week/month. There is nothing to write about.

And then there is this another cycle I want to put on record here. Just because I am feeling this unbiased, unemotional clarity ( which IF I were ever able to simulate in the way I interact with people, I would be MUCH MUCH better off).

A cat lives around the place where I live. I have known it for like 6 years. Its a cute little cat. Innocent, foolhardy, careless, forthright, diplomatic, lovable, intense, weak but has the potential for the strength of will power that can make any cat-lover proud.

Now this cat has been visiting me since 6 long years. I imagine it talks to me, and I reply back. It never asks for anything. It shares stuff with me. I share stuff with it. And it goes on. I have seen it go through highs and low. I have done my bit to help it whenever it needed my help. This can go on without any conclusion or any harm for either of us.

But bull-headed that I am, anything without a conclusion or an aim instantly shows me the effort and time wasted on it that could have been used for something better. Its the main reason I have nearly no friends at all. Of those friends, only a small fraction of the people actually know me at all. To others I am as they want me to look like (its a handy ability, to sense what others want and then morph yourself into one that suits someone. You have no idea how gullible people are). There are very very few people with whom I dont indulge in this tom-foolery. The cat is one them.

Back to the cat. I periodically analyze my relationship with it. And every time i do so, something inside me tells me to close the door to the cat the next time it comes to visit. I have done (or tried anyway -.-") it. But every SINGLE time something or the other happens that I just need to be there for the cat. Not as a favor to it, but as a favor to me. You see, I can stand nothing in the world hurting the poor thing. Just knowing that I am there to atleast hear it out and help it see something clearly makes my day a little colorful.

And so, I am stuck, with a feeling that transcends all logic ( I am a programmer. My daily bread comes through logic :S ). I know that someday the cat will go away and all this time will be a complete waste and that it will be the only thing i will regret in life. I know how it will play out and what a sense of loss I will have to endure in the time to come.

Do I need to learn how to live in the moment ? But isnt it a pessimist phrase ? To live in the moment ? Automatically assuming what we do today will not have a bearing on tomorrow ?

Or do I need to get stronger ?

Judgement

"you have a right to kill me. but u have no right to call me a murderer. u have no right to judge me.

its impossible, in words, to describe what is necessary, to those who donot know what horror means.

Horror. horror has a face. and u must make a friend of horror. horror and moral terror are ur friends. if they are not, then they r enemies to be feared. they are truely.... Enemies.

i remember, when i was with special forces. it seems a thousand centuries ago. we went to a camp to innoculate children. we left the camp after we had innoculated the children for polio. and this old man came running after us. he was crying; he cudnt say. we went back there. and they had come and hacked off every innoculated arm.

there they were in a pile.... a pile of... little arms.

and, i remember, i...i... i cried... i wept like.. like some grandmother. i wanted to tear my teeth out. i didnt know what i wanted to do.

and i wanted to remember. i never wanted to forget. i never want to forget....

and then i realized. like i was shot. like i was shot with a diamond bullet right through my forehead. and i thought " my god. the genius of that. the genius.... the will.. to do that. Perfect.. Genuine.. Complete.. Crystalline... Pure."

then i realized they were stronger than me because they could stand this. they were not monsters. these were men.these were trained cadres. these men who fought with their hearts. who have families. who have children. who are filled with love. but they have the strength.... the strength to do that....

you have to have men who are moral... and at the same time who are able to utilize their primodal instincts to kill, without feeling, without passion..... without judgement.... without judgement...

because... its Judgement that defeats us.... "

- Marlon Brando

Everything or Nothing

Not a very long time ago, i feel i was naive enough to believe that world/people exist in black and white. That they are either good or bad. I thought there was always a line dividing the two sides of a coin.

In hindsight, i guess that is a model of a perfect world. a world governed not by emotions, but by mathematical logic. the world which we call heaven...

Unfortunately, our world is imperfect. composed of imperfect beings :) we are used to living in fractions because most of us donot have the will to completely support what our heart and mind believes in. The need to conform gradually weakens our will. This is one of the most basic reasons why mankind is where it is. Instead of individuality, we support a hive-mind. Why ?? Because we donot have to strength to survive alone in this world we helped create. Our ancestors had a profound foresight :) How to save people who were not good enough to secure their place in the world ?

Simple... make it immoral for people to please themselves without thinking about their "brothers and sisters". Humility, Brotherhood, God, Faith... the spellings are different, the meaning is one. Preservation of unity that gives an average strength to a community, composed of few creators and a lot of feeders. The second handers. The weak.

Many who read this will find my thinking cynical.

What i want to say is : Each of us is given one life. Its our responsiblity what we make of it. That we live it.

Give back a little more to life than we take from it.

There is only so far the fractions will carry us :)

Keep going

One day I decided to quit... I quit my job, my relationship, my spirituality...I wanted to quit my life.
I went to the woods to have one last talk with God.
"God", I said. "Can you give me one good reason not to quit?" His answer surprised me...
"Look around", He said.. "Do you see the fern and the bamboo?" "Yes", I replied.
When I planted the fern and the bamboo seeds, I took very good care of them. I gave them light. I gave them water. The fern quickly grew from the earth. Its brilliant green covered the floor. Yet nothing came from the bamboo seed.
But I did not quit on the bamboo. In the second year the Fern grew more vibrant and plentiful.
And again, nothing came from the bamboo seed. But I did not quit on the bamboo. He said.
"In the third year, there was still nothing from the bamboo seed. But I would not quit. In the fourth year, again, there was nothing from the bamboo seed. "I would not quit.." He said. "Then in the fifth year a tiny sprout emerged from the earth.
Compared to the fern it was seemingly small and insignificant... But just 6 months later the bamboo rose to over 100 feet tall.
It had spent the five years growing roots.
Those roots made it strong and gave it what it needed to survive. I would not give any of my creations a challenge it could not handle."
He said to me. "Did you know, my child, that all this time you have been struggling, you have actually been growing roots."
"I would not quit on the bamboo. I will never quit on you. " Don't compare yourself to others .." He said. " The bamboo had a different purpose than the fern ... Yet, they both make the forest beautiful."

-taken from somewhere