Evolve

There was a time when i despised my life, my sense of being, all the people who constituted my existence. I only lived because the lives of few people who had cared for me depended on me. Giving it all up just didn't seem worth hurting them. So i lived on, for others...

But with time, my reasons for living changed. After a great deal of introspection, delving beneath those thick layers of self-delusion, i figured out that i was, in fact, afraid of death.... as a child is afraid of the dark. I remember, when i was a small boy, i was so afraid of the dark. Night was the embodiment of everything i feared. I used to stay up alone in my bed, waiting for the sun to rise....

It took me a long time to understand that the only way to get over your demons is to embrace them. Now, night is a friend.... sunlight is a bane...

I kept evolving. Every new experience taught me new ways to adapt and thus to survive. I have now become a fighter. They say i never give up. The truth is, i have already given up everything. My whole being has become a set of images. Images of a person that was.... that existed before all the expectations mutilated him into something he should be, but is not....

In hindsight this eternal fight seems unnecessary for someone who hates to live... why rebel when it makes no difference ? Because this set of images is now trying to form a concrete shape. Something which is not made of deceit but truth. It would seem that he now wants to live. It would seem that he is not afraid of death anymore. It would seem that he has climbed out of the abyss to take back what is his..... his life....

Actually, he had evolved again.... and this time he realized that although he was afraid of death, he also loved to live.

He watches a new flower grow
He watches a rain drop fall on his face
He watches magnets attract eachother
He watches a caterpiller turn into a butterfly
He watches the perfect form of the woman he loves

The child in him which he thought had died is reborn again....
It is this child that shows him how beautiful the world truly is
And then he realizes... this child was never dead.... this child is the fighter inside his husk of meat...
The child is the Soul

Slowly he realizes again...... to get over his fears he must embrace them.... and the only thing he ever feared was not death.... but life...

I've looked at it from both sides now;
To win and lose and still somehow-
It's life's deception as I recall,
I don't know life at all.

-picked up

He had a lot of trouble with taste. Often his thoughts were not tasty. There were no effective partitions in his mind. What he saw and learned touched everything else he knew. Some of the combinations were hard to live with. But he could not anticipate them, could not block and repress. His learned value of decency and propriety tagged along, shocked at his associations, appalled at his dreams; sorry that in the bone arena of his skull there were no forts for what he loved. His associations came at the speed of light, his value judgments were at the pace of responsive reading. They could never keep up and direct his thinking.
He viewed his mentality as grotesque but useful. There was nothing he could do about it.

anger, frustration, jealousy..... utter hatred...

i have been stupid in all my time with her. the moment which came yesterday, i had feared for almost everyday i spent with her. and now when the moment is upon me, i just refuse to accept it.... i just wish it weren't true.... i just wish i'd fall asleep and never ever wake up. maybe i'll do that..

i still dont understand my attraction towards her... its a passion... a want without any logic attached to it... why ? i ask myself...why her ? and why so much ?

and suddenly it all becomes so clear to me. a dozen of people interact with her and no one sees what she really is... all the good in her. i manage to see it.... and it makes me feel good about myself...

i guess i really do love her.... she makes me want to be a better man...

the unending life... the single-dimentionality of everything. the world has evolved around in such a complex way is just to make it more interesting so that life can continue evolving trying to understand it.

we consider ourselves at the top of the food chain ? but we r certainly at the last node of morality chain. the morality which disintegrates into two halves, pure and tainted, with pure being killed by the tainted so as to evolve further. the number of pure species decreases geometrically with each evolution cycle. the number of tainted species keeps on increasing at the same rate as well. a day comes when there is no pure species left.

the tainted then fight. after millions of years of struggle, the most tainted one survives and then gives rise to a species even worse than the present, more violent and amoral.

to evolve is to willingly degenerate the basic simplicity of life.